Did you hear it too?

If all you can think about now is the Shinedown song - yeah, me too! I’ve been up now for about an hour because my stomach is upset. Sleeping is hard these days again. I know what I need to do, but it’s almost impossible to do sometimes. I need a routine, but I’m thrown off by my incessant ear worms and fear of failure for my family and those that I am reaching out to help.

Routines are great if you have the discipline to hold them and hold yourself accountable. Which I can almost do to a fault until I break. Then it’s the narrow mind that comes to play and it’s just feeling bad about choices that were made, but not able to realign with doing what was supposed to be done in the first place.

No risk… No reward

At what point is there a reward for a risk that is being done. At this point my mind is just throwing out thoughts as I sit in the jacuzzi to help calm my stomach and my nerves. I’m not sure if it was the smoked prime rib for supper, or the lack of green and ruffage that keeps the smoke at bay. What I do know is that my mind cannot turn off the anxiousness that I have for our event tonight!

I started FreedomSystem.org with Timmie Mangrum, one of my best friends and Army Team Leader, as a blog site - similar to this. We were going to be political and also talk about the day in the life of a soldier. However, between OpSec and just not having the time to work on that kind of stuff - you know, missions and the whatnot. It just sat there. At that point I had no idea what I was going to do with it and just kept re-upping the domain name.

Fast forward 5 years.

One of my best friends from high school took his own life after reaching out to me, only hours before, and I missed the message. I, too, was not in a great spot. I had no career or really a job to speak of because I was “over-qualified.” The dumbest excuse I’ve ever heard, by the way. But it hit me hard. Real hard.

Shook

I had no job. No contracts or commissions. Was finishing up college. And it hit me. Hard. Like everything that had ever been hit it… hit me. I felt survivors guilt from military service and now this. A mutual friend of the recently deceased reached out to me and asked me if I was okay. I was not. I was very much not okay. And still to this day I’m not okay with what happened. However, I digress. Kit reached out to me, we went to high school together he was a year behind, but still a friend of Jimmy’s. Kit also was an Army officer and understood the military aspect of my mind. To this day, I don’t think I’ve given Kit the proper dues that he did for me that day.

I was shaken. I was broke. I was humbled, again. I was reminded that there is a purpose for everything with that conversation with Kit. He was in Chicago, and looks like he still is. But here is the kicker, he was broken, he was humbled, but he asked me the hard questions- that others had asked me, but it changed my thought process from him. It took years to realize this, but the process changed right there.

The question

“What can you do?” The answer is still the same… Nothing! But the outlook is different. It’s okay to not be okay. I had to keep moving. I remember the conversation with Kit in bits and pieces and maybe have it a little jumbled in my mind, but the outcome is the same. I can’t do anything about what has happened, but I can move to help those that might be in the wrong mindset.

The mission is still the same. The guilt is probably still there. The anger definitely is. But… but! The outlook is better.

What did I do?

I probably cried more in that phone call with Kit, than I did with anyone else. I mean. I fucking sobbed. Afterwards, the realization was made that I have a platform. It took two and a half years after that to become a 501c3 nonprofit, but God kept putting me in places when I could help the Veteran and get some clarity on my pain.

Years of therapy, pastoral counseling, Stephen’s Ministry, working in social work to help others with their pains and mental injuries, mostly it helped me, and then a board that took on my mission as their own. And we are now here. Two hours after I woke up from an upset stomach- writing a blog about my anxiety and 9 years after becoming “real.”

Why the anxiety now?

We brought in a national speaker. A combat Veteran, an amputee that went BACK into combat, and a real Superman: Captain Chad Fleming. And I’m not certain if I’m qualified to discuss areas of pin with him! Certainly, our stories are similar; his is way more complex and a lot more physical (and I’m sure more mentally taxing), but I don’t want to compare. I’ve heard him talk before. I know my thoughts when I heard him speak. I’m very anxious to hear him speak today, but I’m picking him up from the airport today. This event is the biggest that we’ve had and the anxiety is real.

It’s okay to not be okay!

Still reading? Cool - I’m still writing. And the thoughts keep coming. I’ve already started thinking about next year. How can we make it better and how will this year continue to help other Veterans? How do I keep my anxiety at bay? These are answerable questions at the moment, but I promise that I will.

What’s next?

Sleep. Deep breathing. Confidence in myself and my friends and family will keep me in check. Baseball. Softball. Martial arts. Mountain biking. Love. Church. Breathing. That’s all what’s next.

Until next time:

Sláinte